Such a ride these days. Drinking, dancing, talking, playing, discovering new music with old friends, meeting new friends, I am so filled with light and joy and confidence verging on arrogance. Left to myself, all attempts at being productive, doing the things I love, imposing some structure on my life and avoiding distraction are entirely futile and I lay myself open to crushing self-doubt and loss of hope. I have allowed some business relationships to be strained past what would be the breaking point if roles were reversed. Somedays I feel like an alcoholic stoking the engine as he hurtles down the tracks toward rock bottom. Perversely, I sometimes envy addicts and others whose "crazy" is more easily defined. Would that I could simply be labeled "alcoholic" or "bipolar" and follow the well-worn paths of their treatments.
I know that my brain is, to some extent, effected by ADD as well as what I imagine are three or four separate emotional/psychological issues. The ADD makes it difficult for me to provide a focus for my own treatment and those who are helping me don't seem to care to focus and follow through on any one issue at a time. I seem to be at a few points of crisis regarding shit that just needs to be done and I need an outside influence to kick my ass through those doors. I have a real problem with the AA concept of having to reach rock bottom before you can make a change. I also have a hard time letting go of my deeply held fallacious belief that I can solve any problem through sheer force of intellect. I'm not ready to let go and let god until I'm convinced it's my last resort.
I thought that setting myself down this path of thought might lead me to some small bit of enlightenment tonight, but I've just managed to be a whiny bitch. I'll keep at it. I assure you if you meet me out on the town, you'd be thoroughly charmed. (:
...and, for my next trick, I'll sleep four hours, brush the smoke from my hair, shave, shower and be in church by 9:30 primed to play a funeral.
on, on U of K...
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